Understanding

It was Father’s Day 2020- and once again, it took the reminder app for me to call him. I would call my stepmom all the time, or even to deliver the message to him, somehow that was easier. I told myself he doesn’t answer calls and after all, he has never called me. And I know he knows how to make calls. But the thing is, I knew he was waiting on my call and so would answer, albeit I was rationalizing. I eventually called him. Somehow, he feels I was obligated to call on Father’s Day, Christmas and his birthday- he didn’t demand much. I write this and I wonder who it was easier for with these calls? Me or Him? I wonder if he expected my sibling to call too, or was this expectation only of me?

After the initial greeting, it was me mostly shouting and repeating myself since it is hard for him to hear me-always. This is how the dialogue went. Did you cook? How is Ms. Pauline? What are you doing? All questions from me- never a question about me from him. These conversations are so hard for me, and God knows- I am a talker. But at the same time, I am always happy to talk to him. It makes me feel good to know I can have a conversation even a monologue with my father. He has not changed. This is exactly how it was and how I remember it the very first time we spent a day together. I was about 15 years old but back then, and mainly silent.

I often think of him and how our relationship has been. I spent a lot of time wanting my father, and I have lived a good chunk of my life missing this relationship. I have made so many mistakes, had so many pitfalls, so many things I didn’t know because I didn’t have that bond with my father. I was angry for a long time, and I felt sad too. But I have since come to know that even if had him the way I wanted it, maybe, just maybe I would not have received what I desired. Things would have been different today. Isn’t this how life is anyway? We glamorize the past, and imagine how things would be if only, and then craft our own versions of reality with misplaced memories of what happened or didn’t happen.

My Father did the very best he could. He gave me all he had. I learnt this and I have peace. I am not excusing his actions. I understand them and I forgive him because of two truths. One I have a heavenly father who is more than sufficient and two my earthly father has his own story. It served me well to learn it.